So it's been a little over a year since I slowed my ADD ass down long enough to stop by here and update my life on pages. I'm not really sure if this was because I was busy  or just the plain and simple fact that I honestly thought no one really gave a shit to read the whining that I was jotting down. I mean seriously now think about this: Doesn't everyone encounter obstacles in their lives? Umm ya think? You brush yourself off get up  and try again. You don't particularly wanna hear about someone else's problems and bullshit. I know I get tired of it now and again.
So why start again? I guess the only answer is the stereo typical straight from the text book answer......I need to do this for my own self. My brain just never stops! Well unless of course I'm trying to do something and then poof! My brain takes that long awaited vacation that I so desperately need it to take a bedtime. You know how when you walk from one end of the house to the next on a mission to do something, and as soon as you get to your destination point you forget what the hell you were going to do! Every time, it never fails wham-O there goes my train of thought! So I am hoping beyond all hope and praying to every God imaginable that jotting down all of these screwed up, ridiculous thoughts onto Josef's laptop will somehow relieve my mind of at least a portion of my anxiety. Only time will tell.
So I guess I should update my life since its been one hell of a year;) I'm clean (AGAIN) I'm engaged, unemployed (Housewife) and I have moved back to the state of my birth: Georgia. When I last checked in I was trying out sobriety and living with my aunt in a small Coal Mining town in Alabama.
In May 2011 I got a full time job working as a cashier at a local gas station. I never got off my ass and went to the financial office to sign my paperwork to start back to school. I worked any where from 25-74 hrs a week. Most weeks I was completely exhausted. I started drinking again pretty heavy behind the backs of all of the loved ones who were trying to sober me up. As usual the drinking put my mood swings into full effect! I was back to my drunk bitch self.


So I was in the middle of updating my "life" when it was time to get up and hit the bed. Its now after 10 pm and I have to get my daughter up and to school at 6 am. My fiance just updated me that ever since I came and moved in he has stayed in trouble. So his solution? Just stay away from me that way there is no problems. I cant really blame him. I have for 7 days been a roller coaster of bitch.  Mood swings have hit like and tsunami with no warning what so ever. I will be the first to admit that. I wish that I could take my brain apart and show him all that is going on in there. I wish I could find  a way to explain myself and my emotions to him. Just sit down and unleash this monster that is fighting to drive me to insanity. Sometimes I would just say to the monster "Just take me, I can no longer fight, I just don't have it in me anymore." I can truthfully say that at this point if I didn't have my kids I would sadly submit. I'm so very tired of fighting.
Moving did a lot more damage to my psyche than I ever dreamed was possible. My anxiety is at an all time high. I finally found the all mighty WALMART Friday. I walked in thinking ok I can do this! Then I took notice of the layout of the store. My panic climbed all over me instantly! This was a "newer" WALMART and was completely opposite of the store that I frequented in Alabama. This
trivial fact completely tore my braveness to the floor. I don't know how to explain this without ppl thinking "Holy Shit this girl is insane!" I was in the middle of a nationally known store having a sever panic attack. I walked with my head down, never once glancing at the eyes of another customer. I couldn't. How ridiculous is the notion that because a store has a different layout of the former store that I frequented, I couldn't breathe! I couldn't look at anyone. I felt trapped and alone. I dread fact that tomorrow I will have to return there to do grocery shopping! I don't want to leave this apartment, EVER AGAIN! I don't know where the mall is, the DOLLAR TREE, DOLLAR GENERAL. Why is it that I have to know exactly where certain stores are just to have a peaceful moment in my mind. I am a nervous wreck because I don't know the location of the car wash. WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?! Remember those slide show projectors that the schools used to use? I mean hell that was even before my time! But i have seen them used on television. When I close my eyes at night my mind continuously flashes images across my darkness. It goes so fast I cant tell what I am thinking of. Its like those projectors on speed. And it is all right in front of me! I want so bad to close my eyes
and see nothing just the blacks of my eyelids. Isn't it funny how sometimes the smallest most trivial things to some would bring such amazing joy to others.