Today is Easter. I am still educating myself on the hisotry of the Bible and all the charactors associated with it. I was never raised in a church like the majoriety of "southern" children are. I was taught right and wrong and had brief encounters with teachings from the Bible, but that was the extent of my knowledge. My father was in the military up until I was 15 so I have always been surrounded bydifferent ethnicitys and religions. All of which I hold a deep respect for. I am, I freely admit, struggleing through this learning experience. I am quite aware that I believe in God and Jesus, but why. Is it because I have over the years been told that the Christian beliefs are what they are and that is that. Or is it possibly because they are fact. We are told as children that Santa comes into our homes during the night and showers us with a mulitiude of gifts. We grow up believing that on this very day a giant rabbit slipps in through the night and lines our tables with candy and presents.

So it's been a little over a year since I slowed my ADD ass down long enough to stop by here and update my life on pages. I'm not really sure if this was because I was busy  or just the plain and simple fact that I honestly thought no one really gave a shit to read the whining that I was jotting down. I mean seriously now think about this: Doesn't everyone encounter obstacles in their lives? Umm ya think? You brush yourself off get up  and try again. You don't particularly wanna hear about someone else's problems and bullshit. I know I get tired of it now and again.
So why start again? I guess the only answer is the stereo typical straight from the text book answer......I need to do this for my own self. My brain just never stops! Well unless of course I'm trying to do something and then poof! My brain takes that long awaited vacation that I so desperately need it to take a bedtime. You know how when you walk from one end of the house to the next on a mission to do something, and as soon as you get to your destination point you forget what the hell you were going to do! Every time, it never fails wham-O there goes my train of thought! So I am hoping beyond all hope and praying to every God imaginable that jotting down all of these screwed up, ridiculous thoughts onto Josef's laptop will somehow relieve my mind of at least a portion of my anxiety. Only time will tell.
So I guess I should update my life since its been one hell of a year;) I'm clean (AGAIN) I'm engaged, unemployed (Housewife) and I have moved back to the state of my birth: Georgia. When I last checked in I was trying out sobriety and living with my aunt in a small Coal Mining town in Alabama.
In May 2011 I got a full time job working as a cashier at a local gas station. I never got off my ass and went to the financial office to sign my paperwork to start back to school. I worked any where from 25-74 hrs a week. Most weeks I was completely exhausted. I started drinking again pretty heavy behind the backs of all of the loved ones who were trying to sober me up. As usual the drinking put my mood swings into full effect! I was back to my drunk bitch self.


So I was in the middle of updating my "life" when it was time to get up and hit the bed. Its now after 10 pm and I have to get my daughter up and to school at 6 am. My fiance just updated me that ever since I came and moved in he has stayed in trouble. So his solution? Just stay away from me that way there is no problems. I cant really blame him. I have for 7 days been a roller coaster of bitch.  Mood swings have hit like and tsunami with no warning what so ever. I will be the first to admit that. I wish that I could take my brain apart and show him all that is going on in there. I wish I could find  a way to explain myself and my emotions to him. Just sit down and unleash this monster that is fighting to drive me to insanity. Sometimes I would just say to the monster "Just take me, I can no longer fight, I just don't have it in me anymore." I can truthfully say that at this point if I didn't have my kids I would sadly submit. I'm so very tired of fighting.
Moving did a lot more damage to my psyche than I ever dreamed was possible. My anxiety is at an all time high. I finally found the all mighty WALMART Friday. I walked in thinking ok I can do this! Then I took notice of the layout of the store. My panic climbed all over me instantly! This was a "newer" WALMART and was completely opposite of the store that I frequented in Alabama. This
trivial fact completely tore my braveness to the floor. I don't know how to explain this without ppl thinking "Holy Shit this girl is insane!" I was in the middle of a nationally known store having a sever panic attack. I walked with my head down, never once glancing at the eyes of another customer. I couldn't. How ridiculous is the notion that because a store has a different layout of the former store that I frequented, I couldn't breathe! I couldn't look at anyone. I felt trapped and alone. I dread fact that tomorrow I will have to return there to do grocery shopping! I don't want to leave this apartment, EVER AGAIN! I don't know where the mall is, the DOLLAR TREE, DOLLAR GENERAL. Why is it that I have to know exactly where certain stores are just to have a peaceful moment in my mind. I am a nervous wreck because I don't know the location of the car wash. WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?! Remember those slide show projectors that the schools used to use? I mean hell that was even before my time! But i have seen them used on television. When I close my eyes at night my mind continuously flashes images across my darkness. It goes so fast I cant tell what I am thinking of. Its like those projectors on speed. And it is all right in front of me! I want so bad to close my eyes
and see nothing just the blacks of my eyelids. Isn't it funny how sometimes the smallest most trivial things to some would bring such amazing joy to others.

Adjustment Disorder? WTH?

Ok so obviously I'm not so hot at blogging everyday. Its really not that I don't want to or NEED to. And actually since starting this journey I have had something occur everyday that I could enlighten everyone about. It just seems now that I'm clean/sober I have so much more life to lead. I don't have the down time that I had when I was abusing drugs and alcohol. I guess mainly because when i stayed high and drunk I managed to close myself into my own existence. I never had the energy, the drive to step outside of my comfort zone of my house. I never left my room much less my house! Now its like I stay so busy doing normal everyday chores and activities its hard for me to sit down and type out my day(s). But I'm am going to try and do better. This is a form of therapy for my soul, and I need all the therapy I can get my hands on.

So I went to my counselor Monday morning and was given the opportunity to read my medical records from my stint in the Psychiatric Ward at Brookwood Hospital. It was not anywhere as bad as I had assumed that it would be. See while on vacation at this fine hospital, I was a bit disruptive:) Ok I punched a doctor in the face, threw my boots (Polo boots mind you), and threw my phone at or near the nurses station. I was then furnished with the hospitals finest set of 4 point restraints, served a dose of  Giadoll (a calming agent) and sent to slumber in the finest of locked dorms. I was kept company by 5 other "violent" guests of the hospital. Needless to say none of this was included in my record sent to my counselor. (I was literally shocked by this lack of information) I was however "diagnosed" with a new problem. The medical world has given me a new terminology for what I seem to struggle with. Adjustment Disorder. WTH? I had no clue what this terminology was, so  I did what I always do: I Googled it. And actually it all started to make sense to me. Granted I still believe that I suffer from sever depression, and quite possibly I am, as they originally diagnosed me, Bipolar. But Adjustment Disorder covers a broad band of my symptoms almost to a T. I am going to Copy and Paste a little info. into this blog so that you can start to see how my mind works and maybe get a better understanding into my world of obstacles.

Hopefully, by pushing myself more everyday, I will be able to open up more on this blog and clean out some of these filthy closets. So dont worry there is tons more things that i havent even touched on yet that will keep you either interested and returning for more, or have you thinking damn that girl is insane! Actually I would have to go with both of those options. LOL I dont have any set plans for tomorrow so I should be able to vent a little more then. See ya soon.

Adjustment disorder

Last reviewed: February 14, 2010.

Adjustment disorder is an emotional and behavioral reaction that develops within 3 months of a life stress, and which is stronger or greater than what would be expected for the type of event that occurred.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Adults often develop adjustment disorder due to marital or financial problems.
In adolescents, common stressors include:

• Family conflict
• School problems
• Sexuality issues

Other stressors for people of any age include:

• Death of a loved one
• General life changes
• Unexpected catastrophes

There is no way to predict which people who are affected by the same stress are likely to develop adjustment disorder. Financial conditions, social support, and career and recreational opportunities can influence how well a person reacts to stress. A person's susceptibility to stress may be influenced by factors such as:

• Coping strategies
• Intelligence
• Flexibility
• Genetic factors
• Social skills

Symptoms

For a diagnosis of adjustment disorder, a person's symptoms must be severe enough to affect his or her work or social life. Some of the symptoms include:

• Agitation
• Conduct disturbances
• Depressed mood
• Palpitations
• Physical complaints
• Trembling or twitching

Symptoms of adjustment disorder typically begin within 3 months of the stressor, and usually do not last longer than 6 months, unless the stressor continues to be present (such as an illness or living in a dangerous neighborhood).
On occasion, symptoms can be severe and the person may have thoughts of suicide or make a suicide attempt.

Signs and tests

The following criteria need to be met to establish a diagnosis:

• The symptoms clearly follow a stressor
• The symptoms are more severe than would be expected
• There do not appear to be other underlying disorders
• The symptoms are not part of normal grieving for the death of a loved one

Treatment

The main goal of treatment is to relieve symptoms and help the person return to a similar level of functioning as before the stressful event occurred.
Individual therapy can help the person:

• Get support
• Identify his or her abnormal responses to the stressor
• Maximize the use of his or her strengths

Most mental health professionals recommend some type of talk therapy to help the person identify or learn different responses to the stressors in their life. Types of therapy may include:

• Behavior therapy
• Individual psychotherapy
• Family therapy
• Self-help groups

When medications are used, they are usually in addition to other forms of treatment. Depending on the symptoms, these may include:

• Anti-anxiety medicines
• Antidepressant medicines
• Antipsychotic medicines (rarely)
• Stimulants (for patients who are very withdrawn)

Expectations (prognosis)

Adjustment disorders usually get better quickly without any remaining symptoms.

Calling your health care provider

Call for an appointment with your health care provider if you develop symptoms of adjustment disorder.

Prevention

There is no known way to prevent this disorder. Strong support from friends and family can help.

Realizations

Ok so I didn't post yesterday. I didn't fall off the wagon or nothing:) I was actually busy doing something fun that didn't include getting loaded. I was at my cousins house playing Yahtzee and watching the kids play some WII dance game. It was surprising to me how much fun I could have without being high or intoxicated.  That's kinda a sad realization isn't it? Well I guess that's part of learning and growing into a sober individual.

So I went to take my daughter to meet up with her father today. Of course I was half an hour late and if I really gave a shit bout what he thought I would have been bothered by this. But I'm not so I wasn't. Anyway, on the way to drop her off my daughter starts crying.  Now mind you Mini-Me is a Diva, but, she typically does not start crying, she just straight up tells me what is on her mind and walks off leaving me to stand jaw on floor:) She tells me that she no longer wants to spend the night with her father. You see this ex of mine, we shall call T., is an alcoholic. (What you didn't think I would have a man in my past that didn't have addictions did you????) He works his fingers to the bone as a welder/fitter never missing a day. But the minute he is off he goes directly across the street and gets booze for the ride home. Then typically buys more for the night. The weekends we are talking from Saturday around noon till Sunday night he goes through a couple of 30 packs. There is a lot of ghosts that lurk in T.'s closet and he is unwilling to open the door to clean it out. He would rather self medicate than deal with his Demons.  So back to Faith. She is very upset and tells me she is bored to death there with her father. She basically spends the entire weekend trying to find something to do with her time. When night time falls she is put to sleep on the sofa. Now if for some reason T.'s step sons have fallen asleep there first Faith is made to sleep on the floor! T. does not take her anywhere, and spends the day sitting at the table drinking, right in front of our 7 year old. Now we are both addicts and have this precious child that is just sitting back soaking up the things that are put before her. Here she sees her father continually drinking wtf is going through her little mind? Maybe not right now but when she is 13 or 16 will she think: well hell daddy does it why cant I? They have proven through science that these addictive personality that both I and her father possess are passed on to our children. I don't want my baby to suffer through the same life that I have chosen for myself. What kinda parent would wish that on their child? Needless to say I told T. that Faith would not be spending the night tonight. I offered no explanations I don't feel I have to. I was informed by T. several times over the past months that I AM a drunk, and he is no longer drinking. Now mind you when I was told this the last time he was so sloshed that I had trouble understanding him. He has also denied helping with clothes and such for Faith because right now "he has to take care of himself." He also threatened me with saying he would take me to court and receive custody of Faith. Now listen gentlemen, you DO NOT threaten a mother with taking her child. That is THE golden rule! Just don't do it. The night ended with my mother picking Faith up at 6 from T. to spend the night with her, my sister, and my son:) I know she will have tons of fun there with them. (Now I do know that she will be spoiled rotten and jacked on sugar before I reclaim her tomorrow) but that's ok too!

So I think I'm gonna go watch some TV and call some friends to see how their day has been. Tomorrow is going to be so exciting! I am going to church in the morning and then at 3 Faith and I will be attending my cousins churchs' Easter Egg Hunt. They have a staggering 15,000 eggs up for grabs! For my friends and family I will be posting piccys of her and her cousins on my FB page ASAP:)

I made it another day!!

Damn, I'm Going To Be Late!

Well my lovelies I managed to knock another day off without getting tore up from the floor up! lol Like I mentioned yesterday I have been starving to death since starting this journey. I feel like I'm gaining weight even if I think about eating. So I have a friend who has been sober 6 months, (GO PICKLE!) and she mentioned that she has started Zumba and is going to the gym a few days a week. So I have been doing some research into it and it has seriously caught my attention. Now keep in mind that I am a white girl so I may not be the best mover in the group, but I seriously doubt I will be the worst! I have also been walking everyday. I am at the point that I now am throbbing from every muscle I did not realize I had. But I figure I better do something or imma move my addictions to the food aisle! LMAO 

So I have never mentioned a very intricate person in my addictions, but he has been weighing on my mind the past few days heavily. I will be completely honest in this Blog with my name and things that I have been through.  However, I will not use other peoples names, that is not a right I feel that I have. Anyway, lets see what would be a good name for him? Hell lets just use his initial of S. cause obviously my brain has retired for the day;) S. is my latest in a long line of crash and burn relationships. So in this corner ladies and gentleman we have S. With him he brings a 10-12 yr on again off again prison record. With such charges as Distribution, Domestic Violence, Auto Theft, Assault on a Police Officer, Possession, blah, blah , blah. You get the idea. Now don't get me wrong S. is just an absolute gorgeous man and he's covered in tattoos, you know girls, the bad boys always steal our hearts, and our money, cars, etc. S. is an out of work (I have known him over a yr. and he has never had a job), abusive, alcoholic, and guess what, Brandy hooks up with him! Within the short span of a yr. this man parties like its 1999 everyday while I worked a full time job, took care of the house, and my two kids. We abused drugs together, anything from Methadone, Zannies, Saboxin, Tabs, Cocain, Pot and of course the all mighty liquor! My absolute fav was the "Four Loco." We also abused one another, very often. I have had black eyes, and a broken finger, until he finally realized that if he punched me in the head around the hair area there would be no marks for me to tie him to. Now I will not tell you a lie and say I was innocent. I got my share of licks in. He wasn't gonna whoop my ass and not get some! I have scratched his face, and chest and busted his lip. And when I say we did this I mean this happened to some level every night for months. 

Ok I know I got started here but I have church tonight and I didn't realize it was so late! I still gotta get a shower. So I will just pick back up tomorrow.  Sorry for cutting it so very short. Night and keep me in your prayers! Brandy.   

Am I normal? Probably Not.

Well morning came way to damn early this morning but, I woke up feeling pretty good. I went for a long walk yesterday trying to get my body into some sort of shape. Having quit drinking and drugging has left me hungry as hell! lol I figure I got two choices: 1. Be thin and a junkie, or, 2. Be thick and clean:) I pick letter B. Being my first attempt at exercise my legs are killing me today. Anyway, I managed to roll my 7 yr. old outta the bed in time for the bus. (She is a vicious little diva in the morning) Then my cousin and I did her twice a month grocery shopping at Wally World. It still feels a little odd to me that I have such a "normal" and "mundane" life now. I get up at the same time, I clean the house, I go to church, I go to counseling, (one on one and I also attend "Celebrate Recovery"), I do homework with my daughter etc. Things that everyone else in this world takes for granted on a daily basis is a gift to me. I was asked a long time ago by a friend what I wanted outta my life. All I said was: "I wanna be normal."

Now pay attention when I tell you I am far from normal. LOL I have a "scene" haircut (if you don't know what that is Google it), I have my lip pierced, and I have seven tattoos. Most of which are very visible to the entire straight laced world, includeing a large one in the middle of my chest that touches the bottom of my neckline. I am sure that the majority of my shirts leave this area visible. I make sure that I wear what makes me comfortable and happy not what others may tip their hat in aggreance to. And apparently, now get this, I lack the capability to filter what is banging around in my head and what falls from my lips. I heard that today from my cousin and was like you know what, I have been told that a lot. Its not that I mean any harm, most of the time, I just believe that my mind is a little bit faster moving than my mouth. If I am thinking it 9 times outta 10 imma say it. Then if it does cross my mind that I mighta not said that out loud, I just figure oh well somebody needed to say it why not me. No filter? Yeah she probably is right;) But that is just me and I'm in the process of learning how to be ok with me so, I suppose I will just keep on trucking.  

 I guess for now I have as "normal" a life as I will ever have.

I wake up everyday to my daughter next to me (now when I DO have a significant other and am trying to have some fun with them, her being in bed with me becomes a little less wonderful!) I don't wake up hungover wondering who I punched or cussed out last night for the hundredth time. I'm not puking my guts up or going through withdraws from hell. I don't have to stress over where imma score my next line or bottle. I haven't craved dope or pills in weeks, but alcohol is still tempting me daily. I have so far been strong and all I can do is try to do it again tomorrow. My life is finally simple and you know what that's good with me.

Even though my outside does not "fit" with most peoples vision of what it should, I can say I am a CLEAN and PROUD mom!

Talk to you all tomorrow. Brandy.

Welcome to the Freak Show!

I was up half the night running opening lines through my head for this blog. I felt like a late night sitcom production writer. I finally feel asleep wondering how should I begin this story. Then just now I decided to  sit down and start typing. I mean, really, this is not a story it's my life. My screwed up, misplaced, wreck of a life.  That was my plan anyway to let people completely in to my life's ups and downs with full viewing pleasure, or not.  But know this, I will tell no lies, make nothing pretty, or cover up the truth in any form or fashion. If I have lived it I will put it into this blog. If for some reason, you are offended or can not handle the truth, you are of course welcome to quit reading. This is something that I feel I need to do to help heal my own life in a way that is not killing me. So buckle up and get ready for the ride and of course welcome to the show called "My Life!"

Yesterday I was watching the news with my cousin when a story caught my attention. It was of a man who was about to start his own blog on FB detailing his journey into sobriety. Thinking that might just be something that could tickle my fancy I was up and eager to learn more. (You will learn that my attention span is that of a three year old)  So I sat back down on the sofa and waited through what seemed like hours of commercials to try to lure me in with promises of this and that. Finally, the news resumed and I leaned in to learn more. Then came the let down. Always a damn let down. It was nothing more than a 1 or 2 minute story in which you were quickly told "This is ______'s story. (I left out his "fake" name.) And they followed that with, " _______ is not his real name." WTF! How am I supposed to relate to, learn from, feel compassion for, a man whom will not allow me to know his name nor see his face?! So yeah I got pissed. Nothing new for me. One of a list of issues I am working out in therapy. That night I was playing with my daughter when I figured what the hell. I've probably been through way more than shit than that dude ever could imagine, and he wont even show himself or let his name be spoken. Why can't I blog about my life? I need some form of release from the daily shit grind. I will let you know my name (Brandy) and my piccy is at the bottom of the page. Now I know he should be commended for offering us a peak into his world of drug addiction. I guess I am just eager to see if I can manage to be that strong or even stronger. Can I really listen to your comments about what I put on here? I dunno I guess we will find out.

I figure from now on I will write at least once a day. If nothing else I will put on my page "Bad day nothing to write." And you will see that I DO most definitely have VERY bad days. But the next day, so far, always seems to get better. I'll update on the events of that very day and if its in my heart to type it out then I will open up about my past. I know that I have to get out what my soul has been through, and work daily on getting over ALL of it. It will take time because ppl that I love will be reading this. But, once again if your not open to hearing this then you should most definitely stop now.  Well Imma stop here and go check into some paperwork I need to start back to school next month. Lets hope for the best and see if by this time tomorrow I have another notch on my Sobriety Belt! Brandy.